| It has been a long time since I have posted my thoughts or anything on here. It has been exactly two years since I graduated high school. It does not seem like I have been out that long yet at the same time it does. I read about several friends thoughts on graduation and the excitement and uncertainty that comes after tonight, and I thought back to my graduation. It was slightly stressful. I remember I just wanted to get my "diploma" (which was actually an empty book) and then see friends and find my family and Evan. I met up with everyone except my dad. I called him. I tried to find him. Don't all dads want a picture with their daughter on the day of their graduation or at least to hug them and say hey Im proud of you. Well I finally got ahold of him said I was looking all over for him and then asked where he was and he told me he was almost home that there were so many people he figured he wouldnt be able to find me. My entire demeanor changed and I am pretty sure Evan noticed it because immediately his hand went to my back as I stood trying to fight the tears of being upset.
Two years later ... i call my dad to tell him happy birthday only to be upset by him once again. He has made some very poor choices and I am hurt by them. I thought my dad was smarter than he is acting . I thought that he had learned from the mistakes he had made in his past.
I thought my mom would make effort to make changes this time. Make the choice to try to improve her life or at least maybe plan ahead.
It is really hard to watch the people who are suppose to be setting the examples for me make such ridiculous choices for themselves.
It is hard sometimes when parents do not play the role of parents but of the child. Leaving me wanting to make things better knowing that they are just going to have to endure the choices and there is nothing I can do as child like as my parents act that they really are the parents.... |
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| Someone has altered the script.
My lines have been changed.
The other actors are shifting roles.
They don't come on when they're expected to,
and they don't say the lines I've written
and I'm being upstaged.
I thought I was writing this play
with a rather nice role for myself,
small, but juicy
and some excellent lines.
But nobody gives me my cues
and the scenery has been replaced
And I don't recognize the new sets.
This isn't the script I was writing.
I don't understand this play at all.
To grow up
is to find
the small part you are playing
in this extraordinary drama
written by
someone else.
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| Working 2 Jobs and taking 13 credit hours is starting to seem like a poor choice on my part. I am totally stressed. My schedules at my jobs are overlapping and I cannot be in two places at once. Every night I dont have class I am working which leaves me up till 2 or 3 AM doing homework. I didnt think I would be overwhelmed much this semester since I got 3 credits out of the way before fall semester started so I am left with 13 credits. I took 16 1/2 and then 14 credits last year I did not expect 13 to be very bad at all. However I did not take into account the fact that 6 credits are project classses. I have 8 projects that must be completed by Tuesday. I have 3 down and working on the fourth one. I am going into work tonight at 4 and I get off at mid night then tomorrow I work 11:30 to Midnight. Yeah that is definitly 12 1/2 hours. Between tonight and tomorrow I will be working more than I usually do in a week. I am overwhelmed I am streseed & I am anxious. and on top of that I miss Evan so much. I just wnat to be able to see him to lean my head onto his shoulder and feel him embrace me to remember the way it feels when he holds me that for those few moments everything is right in the world. That life could not be any better.... 3 weeks is too long 2 more to go... *sigh* |
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| Summer has gone by so fast. It does not seem like school should be starting in a couple of weeks. Last year at this time I was stressed out about how I was going to be able to go to Cedarville. Nothing was settled until a week before school started. It was a great year , but at the same time it was probably the most difficult year I have had. I am thankful for the months that I was able to be at Cedarville and for the incredible friendships that came from the time I was there. In the past year I have learned a lot about life. I have discovered new things about myself and I guess the most significant thing to me is that change is truly inevitable. I can make the most elaborate plans with all the small details figured out but things are still subject to change. Mid spring semester I decided I would transfer to Clark state this year. I didn't really want to leave Cedarville, but financially it was not reasonable and almost impossible to continue there. I figured going to school in springfield I would still be close to cedarville and definitely could afford $75 per credit. Everything was set. I would have an apartment with a friend and there were plans for cookouts and everything once school began. Once again its the summer is ending and plans have changed. I will be staying in Middletown and go to MUM for at least this year then most likely transfer to oxford. I had not been excited about staying home at all. After I registered for classes on Thursday and officially switched my major to art ed. I am more excited. I know there are many possibilities and so many options that will be taking art classes again which I have missed a lot. I actually start a class on Wednesday that lasts 2 weeks. I'll be taking a couple drawing classes and a visual american history course as well as chemistry in modern society where we learn to make paint and pastels among other things. So I am excited about starting something new and meeting new people. Change is inevitable as much as I look forward to some aspects of the change I am very unaccepting of others parts. I am continually learning to just rely on God as my strength and trust Him more and more. |
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| "Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense." -Ralph Waldo Emerson |
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